Lonely.

As glad as I am that Edel is gone, I am sitting here, LATE and kind of lonely. Emma is long asleep. I can't sleep for some reason. Its really quiet here. I usually love being alone, but right now I feel kind of... Empty. I suppose I could tidy up alittle bit. See if there are any shows on late. Its weird because I really couldn't stand Edel being here, but now that hes gone I feel kind of bad. It wasn't so quiet here all these other days. Yeah, we didn't really hang out but it just seemed different. I hate fighting with him, with anyone. I hate it.

Its just not me. I am not happy that he left on bad terms, but maybe it is for the best. I just don't understand the way he rationalizes about things. This trip was supposed to be soooo fun, we were all excited for it, but he just never was happy/pleased the whole time. He will never be a family man. I dont want a "family" with him, I just want him to enjoy doing these kinds of things with Emma, instead of just sitting around complaining, an starting fights. We didnt get to go to Arabian nights lasnight becuase he was complaining about going. We were really busy, but he made it clear that he just did not want to go. I dont understand. I am always so consumed with Emma, and happy to be with her.

I could have had a friend come here to Florida with me, and I could have had a blast. He said he wanted to come here, so I said "Fine, Come." And all he did was argue with me most of the time. We got along ok at first, but he just snapped about everything. Why can't he just be normal. I wont let him ruin our vacation. We have been having an AMAZING time, minus a few of his ordeals.

I am glad to just be the two of us, Me and Emma, but as the rain is coming down (so hard) and the house is quiet, where I can actually hear the clocks that I didn't even notice before I feel like him leaving was him just abandoning us all over again. Its just so easy for him to run. Its so easy for him to pick fights with me, and to be unhappy. He is NEVER happy with his life, and is always in trouble, always fighting with people. Its exhausting.

Its hard becuase here this was supposed to be a vacation for all of us to get along, and he ends up having to leave early becuase he signed up for school, only to leave EVEN EARLIER to get away from us. I just dont understand. I never will.

I wont let this happen again. I wont let him fight with me in front of Emma. I wont let Emma see him miserable all the time, and I would submerge myslef into all of his problems and drama. I thought I was being nice having him come here with us, but now I truly believe I am beating a dead horse. He doesnt appreciate everything I do for him, by taking over both parenting roles. He doesnt care.

this is the last vacation I will be going on with him. I cant put Emma through mahem just to be around him. Thats the reason why we left. I have made it easy for him to see her. I have catered to his family too. This is over. I cant be the subject to such chaos anymore, and Emma certainly wont be either. I hate how he can just come in and out of her life, and it doesnt even bother him one bit.

He was so consumed with calling his friends, talking to his girlfriend to be around Emma. He left situations to go and talk to his girlfriend on the phone. Emma was getting dressed up at the boutique, and he excused himself from it just to go off and talk with her.

While walking all he was doing was txting. In the car txting, at dinner txting, shopping, txting. I wanted to throw his phone out the window. Give Emma a few hours. A few days. PLEASE.

Then he would fight with me with little things. rub in my face that we werent together. that he hated me, couldnt stand me. He got me to lose my cool. Lastnight I told him I hated him, and that I despised him. That the only reason why he is in my life is because of Emma. (which is true)

I dont want to live my life hating him and I really think I need to go to confession. He makes me a bad person. He makes me have bad feelings and I am not one who harvests bad feelings upon another.

I get so defensive becuase he was never there for us. Never there for Emma. I wish he would get over our relationship, and start thinking about Emma. He kept saying "I am sorry I wasnt there, I was doing drugs, I was doing this, bla bla bla" Well, yeah, how convienent. Your not a fucking baby, get over yourself, and change your life for your CHILD. She doesnt have time to sit and wait around because you want to be a total douchebag.

She makes me want to be a better person. He doesnt even appreciate how much I do for him. He could never repay me for all the love, and all the things I have done for our daughter when he stepped out.

Shes scared of him. All she says is "My daddy is mean" And "My daddy hurts my mommy".
when he was screaming at me in front of her my poor baby started hitting him, and kicking him. He hit her back. I was stunned. I could have fell to the floor. I was so sad that my 3 yr old was trying to protect me from this monster. I was so ashamed.

I was so pissed that he touched her. I could have killed him. He hit her twice yesterday, becuase she attacked him for yelling at me. I never yell around Emma. Shes not used to violence, I have completely covered her eyes to all that. I have surrounded her with happiness, and completely took her away from him, his friends, his influences becuase I want her to become a great person.

I just dont know what to do anymore. He said he wants to try and get visitiation but in all honesty, that horrifies me. Hes had dui charges, I would die if he drove her around. He constantly drinks, and has done drugs, and might still be. He is irresponsible, careless, and a bad role model. He has done so many wrong things. Hes abused me, tried killing me, hurt me infront of emma, and at times, Emma was hurt because of his carelessness, and in moments of his rage.
I had to get out, and I am so glad I did.

This is all my fault. I shouldnt have stayed with him when I did, but if I wouldnt have, I wouldnt have my baby. I finally got the best part of him. Its her. Having her made me leave him. I wasnt strong before her. I was weak, and was always going back to him. After having her, I completely changed. I left. I left him, got away for good.

I just wish he would be normal, or go away. I have to protect my baby, and keep her away from him, his drama, his tantrums, abusive ways. The thought of her with him for a week horrifies me.