New York! New York!

What can I say? I miss it. I miss everything about it. The hustle, the bustle.. the romance of the city. the "busyness" ...

Site seeing, always seeing something new. I didn't even do alot while I was there. There are so man things I wish I would have done. I wish I would have picnicked out in Central Park. I wish I would have gone to some bars, and did more evening things. The whole time I was there I was thinking, I hate this. I don't want this. This isn't for me, and now that I am gone... I feel empty. I long to be back there.

I miss the shopping, the adventures, the quiet cab rides.

Maybe what I miss is Alex. The moment I left I kept feeling like I was forgetting something. I checked everything I had 2304920 times. Surely, I had everything with me but him. My last txt to him in NY was, "I feel like I am forgetting something... but I think what I am forgetting is you."

I believe that. As much as I said I hated NY, didn't want to be there, it was an experience there that I shared with Alex, and it was a wonderful one. It was like a fairytale, and it always was when I was with him. I just don't understand how something so great can go so wrong. I feel like there is so much unfinished business between us, and I hate it. I can't stop loving someone that I was head over heels for in just a day.

Its impossible.

I wonder if I was the only one in this romantic world of mine. I wonder if it was the long distance. I just don't understand all the lies. I don't understand at all. I don't even know what I should do. I wish I knew how he felt. If he ever cared. There were so many times that I was the one questioning the relationship, did I push him away?

I always wondered once he moved to NY if he would some day choose that lifestyle over me. looks like he did. All he did was lie about his going out and drinking. Was it worth it? Maybe there was another woman, and he just couldn't have the balls to tell me. He doesn't owe me any answers though. I don't/shouldn't need them to move on. It still hurts. It kills. Why does the one man who I thought was different end up as a big like all the others? He was different. I swore he was. He was the man who was supposed to prove to me that not all men are the same.

Why the hell didn't he prove it to me!?
Why do I feel so blindsided by all this? There has to be something else. There has to be.

I can't help but wonder, but while I type this I am saying to my self "It doesn't matter anymore dummy, get over it"

Get over it I must do. I think the hardest time is at night. We used to talk everynight... and I really got used to it. During the day I am fine, but these nights are starting to get so lonely. I'm sure hes having a great time right now, partying... etc. I know that I was the one to break things off, but in a way he did all of this. He's the one who drove me to this point. He doesn't even seem to care. I would be begging, pleading. And YES I do expect that from someone who has wronged the "love of his life"
He said all the time that I was the first person he ever fell in love with. Was that a lie? Was everything he ever told me a lie?!
I can go on and on and on about this until dawn, but in the end its over..
but does it really matter? no. Nothing I post in this blog can change anything. He is a pig for screwing up something so great.

but then again, was it great? It couldn't have been.

It wasn't.