Friday, February 13, 2009

When its the End.

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One of the hardest things for me to do it to totally let go, and forget something. Especially when its someone. When you are so close to someone, and things come to an end its absolutely impossible. If you know me you know I hate having any enemies at all.. I hate living knowing I mad at someone, or even on bad terms.

I feel like I am on awful terms with Alex. He said some things to me that are absolutely the most insulting things I have ever heard from him- things that hurt me to the core. I decided it wasn't a good idea for us to ever be more than friends. Its hard to completely shut someone out of your life, but I feel like he has made so many decisions that are constantly waiting for me to determine the fate of the situation and I honestly can't do it anymore. There are so many times where he has wronged me, throwing the ball back into my court, and expecting me to keep dribbling, where I honestly am sick of playing this game, and finally I just threw the ball out of bounds.

I cant live this way. Lastnight I shouldn't have contacted him, but I did, because I saw him on yahoo, and even though I tried to ignore the situation I just couldn't. I had to say SOMETHING. I wished we could be friends. At this point I realize it might be too much to ask considering I know he needs to move on- as I should.

Anyways, so we started talking, he told me that he had already sent me gifts for vday (which I told him not to do earlier last week) and that he tried cancelling the flowers, but that they wouldn't let him, so they are coming anyways. He also told me that I should be getting candy.

I told him that I didn't to fight with him, and simply asked him why things always had to be this way in our relationship. Why must things always be hard? He has lied to me in the past, and recently he has said some insulting things to me, its like hes BEGGING me to make a move, but he doesn't think Ill do it. I honestly think that he thinks he can get away with any behavior becuase I have always forgiven him.

Never take my kindness for a weakness.

Anyways- so then he preceeded to tell me that he was "drained" from the whole situation, and refused to be begging me back, etc. and just wanted to move on with his life, etc.

Playing the victim. Come on- He is the one who keeps putting himself into these situations.

To that I replied, "Well, I don't expect you to waste any of your time caring that much to actually beg me back or care in the slightest becuase if you ever DID in fact care, we still would have been together.. but you were the one who couldn't keep us together" or something along those lines.

I signed off.

Then I got back on, hours later, and saw that he left me messages saying- fuck you, and to have a nice life.

Well, of course today I get his flowers, and chocolate, and I sat around wondering what to do. Of course I wanted to thank him, even though he TRIED canceling the order, and didn't really even want me to recieve it.. and even though he told me to fuck off, and to have a nice life..

He didn't answer of course. I left a message, then sent him a txt. No reply.

I think I am truly finished with this situation. I can't be on this rollercoaster anymore. Truth is, I have been so happy, and was so happy when I wasn't talking to him. Maybe some things aren't meant to have happy endings. Unfortunately, for us, it doesn't look that way. Right now I am okay with it. I don't want to get into what he had said that was so insulting, but it did have something to do with hispanics, and my child is hispanic, so I totally took offense to it.

I'm ok. I talked with some friends today... and everyone I have talked to has told me I have many reasons to not even have him in my life, and I feel justified for my actions with him. I know that I have never insulted him, never lied to him, and was genuinely good to him.

Looks like hes the one missing out.


Deneen said...

Holy cow, that's awful!
Sounds liike you're better off without that kkind of situation in your life.
I'm sorry he treated you that way :(

Missy said...

Thanks! <3